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eat your booger

my excema is terrible. i hope i can figure out what causes it before i die...atleast so i can take the knowledge into the afterlife and maybe just maybe. Have\ing the physical seperation from dustin ...well its alot of things. i just hope it can help give me the structure to stop being so damn codependent. WSTF happened to me. and where did all my friends go???
I feel numb today. im deffinitly depressed. pen to paper i cna barely comlete a thought so heres hoping.... Dustin called this morning upset, crying. this is sad and i do miss him. but whats up with all this relativity? i did the month away rehad with elliot already AGAIN>>?> REAlly>? IM Feeling like my life is the same is so many ways...just differnt people places and things. dont you know.... i still feeel like isolating and eatting sweets and taking a nap...i cant believe ACE VENTURA DIDNT WORK...wow really... i need to calm down or up>>>??? i think im trying to make myself look as unatractive as possible without jeprodizing my job lol.. ahhh


It all happened really quick and tonight is the first night im just left here, alone, with everything. IRony, Timing, change. like 2 weekes ago it started and my subconsiose KNEW something just wanst rite. when he came over after saying he wanted to get me a ring i was instantly turned off by him and i couldn put my finger on it. IT WAS THE DRUGS. it was always the drugs. it will always BE the drugs. and now im left without him but with the muscles memories of a sometimes AMAZING relationship. right now i feel the good. it wasnt gone. but this was bigger then us and i cant be with him because i cant be with that. You have to have a breaking point. but what happens when love is involved. the wound is fresh and i dont know how to make it heal. i need to stay single. GOD GRANT ME THE SERENETY.

Quick inhale and the purfume gets me high

holy shit i feel like im HIGHERRRRRRRRRR. get some. > ?? ?:OEW EI Achy hole...is a hell of a drug! GOD damn its so amazing taht ellliot is talking to me again. WTF is wrong...or right with me, taht i sstilll hopeee; I will always hope/ i ......love..... wtf .... outwe body experiece;;; when i connect with individuals who can get down wiht quanam phisics...i feeel a real outterbody all sensory experince!
holy shit. why am i night writing mnore. and why does my right leg twich FURIOUSLY. i dojt knowt. i should be all about this shit every day. like a drug, writign can be a HUGEOUTLET.....duhhh and iisted of ebrasing it im hiding behind this keyboard. this crasy i dea that that whci is in my head cant posssibly be portade in writing. I AM AMAZING> i kno wthis based ont the fact that brilliant INSANE people express this to me. holy shit.... i often wonder and i often think....
Old love never stops hurting. Few days in a row go by with out remembering. I want to be whole heartedly passionitly in love and i feel like more and more, its not possible with Spencer. i have a reacurring allusion of his attraction being much more about sex then love. he tells ..... thats all from this old post!

Its funny that i seem to feel most passionate with writing when i am feeling almost bipoler up and down tendencies... these tendencys im starting to be more and more worried could be a result of that exact thing. Ive felt more recently that life is either so so goooood or it is just heart renchingly depressing. I'm on top im at the bottem. Tomorro i have VERY IMPortant very terrifying appointment at Planned Parenthood. One i have possibly been avoinding in oone way or another. I'm so cought up in the idea of it i could only work a couple hours today. and some hoe by a blessing of my hot body made a shitload? totally weird. and i guess pretty random. anyway the buss ride was probably the least nerving event that transpired because now i am just as anxiouse and depressed as befor
We can fight our desires
But when we start making fires
We get ever so hot
Whether we like it or not
They say we can love who we trust
But what is love without lust?
Two hearts with accurate devotions
And what are feelings without emotions?

I'm going in for the kill
I'm doing it for a thrill
Oh I'm hoping you'll understand
And not let go of my hand

I hang my hopes out on the line
Will they be ready for you in time
If you leave them out too long
They'll be withered by the sun
Full stops and exclamation marks
My words stumble before I start
How far can you send emotions?
Can this bridge cross the ocean?

I'm going in for the kill
I'm doing it for a thrill
Oh I'm hoping you'll understand
And not let go of my hand

Let's go to war
To make peace
Let's be cold
To create heat
I hope in darkness
We can see
And you're not blinded by the light from me

I'm going in for the kill
I'm doing it for a thrill
Oh I'm hoping you'll understand
And not let go of my hand
OMG LA.... it was like a dream

gettn real in PB. TODay i felt in AW... what is my life? .... i bike to work with the beautiful South Pacific at my side LA JOLLA. Reminds my of Henry's.... what IS MY LIFE? im doing this solo...but i am an opportunist! but nothing thus far has been matriculated,,, nothing ever will be. just a shell. Los Angeles. San Diego. San Fran. Seattle? when i find my true///////////
Reggae... ? better then OB.. or not.. somethign about me is amazing. i just haven't phrased it right yet


My heart wont give up, wont let you go.... i feel this battle will never be won but never let go its a dull pain bleeding slowly from deep inside. for nothing. hope is lacking but its as if nothing else matters. nothings fulfilling. & nothing compares.

Vien in love

Love ends in heartache unavoidable and devastating. i sound like its a recent break? time doesn't heal a fucking thing. its not the time.... no no no its the experience and perspective change that's comes but time doesn't make it easier. how many times will i fight my emotions and try to lessen them in my mind? as they always arise in tears and an emotional flood. love is a farce, its a joke, its not real, its a mirage... IT WILL NOT HEARL YOU. IT WILL BREAK YOU..... and you will never be the same